Secrets, lies, and interpretation

I am so tired.  I don't remember another period of time where I have gotten less sleep for such a long time.  I've had maybe a dozen hours of sleep over the past five days... this morning I slept from 1:30 to 3:30, then from 5:00-6:00.  I ended up taking two naps today... one at Paul's and one at home.

This morning I got up at 6 (having spent the night at Christopher's) and drove C to Le Claire to meet up with his other partner.  The drive up... was a time of hard conversations.  C had told me last weekend that if I let Jodie back into my life, he couldn't be around.  "I love you too much to stand by and watch... he'll kill you next time," he'd said.  And he wanted me to tell him what was going on.

So I told him what's been going on in my head... that I feel like Jodie cannot come home right now as she left.  That I want to know how Jodie is feeling, what she's thinking, right now.  Is she sitting in a jail cell thinking about what she did, or thinking about what I did to her by calling the police?  Is she thinking about revenge?  Missing me?

If she is thinking about what she did... there is hope.  Hope that she can recognize her own problems and learn to fix them.

If she is thinking about what I did to her... there's very little hope.

clever phrasing here

It's October.

I really don't think I can take an October after the September I've had.

And the October ahead of me has the potential to be very, very rough.