Ball of misery

You know... this is going to be hard for some people to believe, but for the most part I'm not actively grieving over the loss of my relationship.  I DO love Michael; I DO miss him, and miss things about him when I don't see him.  But more and more I realize that he's right: this is the right thing for both of us.

Last night we were eating dinner at a completely nondescript steakhouse in W'loo, and I turned to him and said, "Perhaps we just make better friends with benefits than partners."  He smiled sort of shyly and said, "Perhaps."  And the more I think about it, the more I think...he just cannot handle the realities of a relationship.  Any relationship.  Notjust with me.  Not just with a potential partner.  With his children, his family, his "friends."  And while I'd like to think that I'm a little more able to relate to other people, I'm not sure I'm capable of maintaining a healthy relationship, either.  That's probably just my pain, exhaustion, and all the rest talking, though.

I have been back in Cedar Falls this weekend... got here Friday night, and am going home today.  "Home."  Who am I kidding?  I HAVE no home.  I have a spare room in Kelly's tiny, adorable house.  A house where I can't take ANY of my stuff, my "housy" stuff, because it not only doesn't fit spatially, it doesn't fit decoratively.  (Were there enough fucking commas in that sentence?)

So all my animal print stuff?  Is either going to have to be sold, donated, or go into storage.  Most of my kitchen stuff, ditto.  Although, SOME of my kitchen stuff is going to have to go back with me, because Kelly has nothing.  I'm more than happy to cook, but I cannot cook without pots, pans, etc.  (Kel doesn't cook; she bakes, but doesn't cook)

I had a moment of just misery the other day when I looked at a "floating" bookshelf thingEE I had bought in Galena and realized I had no home to use it in.  And I'm 40 years old, unemployed for over a year, and homeless
  
I just.

On top of all this, I'm going through withdrawal from an antidepressant that sort of sounds like the lion in The Lion King.  Symptoms thus far:

*brain zaps (electrical storms in the brain, where your brain briefly shorts out/goes offline)
*insomnia (I was up until 4am on Wednesday night-Thursday morning)
*INCREDIBLY vivid dreams - I've always had fairly vivid dreams, I thought.  I was wrong.
*knocking inside my head (I suspect this is more from my hormones - I am pms-ing and this is something that happens often when my hormones fluctuate)
*brainfog to the Nth degree - cannot find words.  Common words.  Typing this has been an exercise in high comedy.
*OMFG incredible knee/leg pain - I thought perhaps this was just an acting-up of my existing arthritis/kneecap askew pain.  And then last night happened.  I didn't think I wanted to survive the night.  This morning I took some Aleve and used some Bio-Freeze, and that took the pain down from a 9 to an 8.
*clumsiness that is exponentially worse than my usual lack of coordination
*everything I hear through my processor sounds funny.
*excessive urination (aren't you glad I told you?)- I was up 5 times last night to pee.  Which, given how much my knees hurt, was no fucking joke, let me tell you.

As the post says... I'm a big fucking ball of misery.

I need a nap.