cross-posting for B

Basically my entire day yesterday was a wash. I had forgotten to take my zoloft on Wednesday morning; this led to an absolutely horrendous 24-hour headache (complete with migraine yesterday morning) that has only this morning subsided to a dull ache. I was in bed by 9 last night. That should tell you something.

My brain wasn't up to the task of writing a grant, so I didn't. I'll pay for it today, of course. I'll be focusing all my time on both that AND finishing my spreadsheet. It can't be helped... 'twas my own doing.

Tonight, I go to Ottumwa. I haven't seen my client in nearly two months, ever since she took her abuser back. I want to say that this had nothing to do with my not being down there; that would be a lie. It had a lot to do with it, and I'm ashamed to admit that. When she sends me texts now, she sounds so happy... but she's lied to me before. Lied about SO many things. I just... *sigh* Frustrated would be putting it mildly.

I'm getting incredibly burned out on client service again. I just feel like I'm not making any difference... so why bother? I have to find those incremental victories again, and learn to hold on to them.

I miss Melissa. I can't really explain why; it's one of those things you just know is true. I dream about her often; sometimes it's happy and sometimes it's not. I truly feel horrible for how everything ended; It makes my heart hurt for her to know that her wedding pictures will always be tainted. I don't know what she thought she saw in Linder's posts that was so horrible that she had to end our friendship then and there; I said nothing there that I'd not said to her directly at some point or another. *sigh*

I need to take her things to her mother's.

The other day, I sat in Angie's office and said, "What would you do if I died tomorrow?" We joked about the macabre quality of my question, but we both realize that so much of what I do is in my head that, if I were gone, the program would fold. Angie herself said that. And while part of me (the ego, of course) feels inflated and important to know that, most of me feels trapped. This is, of course, nothing new. I've been feeling this for a long time.

I think that meeting Carly was a blessing and a curse. Meeting her, I see someone who could, theoretically, take my job with just a month or two of training. This both gives me hope and scares the fuck out of me, because it means I could, theoretically again, move on with a clear conscience.

Clear conscience. I was reading about Scientology yesterday (yes, this is what I do to make my brain hurt less... read about Scientology), reading the experiences of one woman who had been in Scientology for 12 years. The scary thing is... I can completely see how this would appeal to SO many people. The thought of "clearing" oneself of the deritus of physical and psychological pain... for people who have struggled their entire lives, it's a heady concept. It's the foundation of psychotherapy, for drug use, for the self-help empires. No wonder Scientologists (and Mormons) (and, frankly, so many religions) are able to pull people in so easily.

It makes me wonder, too, about why we, as humans, tend to want what we cannot have. Tim and I have had many discussions about this over the years; Kendal and I have been talking about it here and there, as well. Why do we, consciously or unconsciously, choose paths that will lead to misery? Whether it's being involved with someone who's unattainable, or lusting over a house we cannot afford... I see so many people around me, myself included, who are or could be in those situations. I think it's human nature to want what we cannot have; it's what keeps us reaching for the stars, even though we know we cannot even reach the clouds. "A man's reach must exceed his grasp, else what's heaven for? ~Samuel Clemens"

I'm reasonably sure the secret to happiness lies in striving for better but being content with what you have.